David Feldman Comedy

Without J-Lo popping out of her stretch, we had to make due with the more subdued shock and awe of red carpet bombing over Iraqi skies. There was no Roman Polanski either, due to a bench warrant twice the age of his date. Instead, Roman watched the Oscars from France. Probably in Uday Hussein's rape room garret along the Left Bank.

People who have trouble with America always seem to end up in Paris. It's as if France's entire raison d'etre is to get underneath our skin.

France and America can't even agree on who invented the motion picture. Americans say it was Edison. France claims the Lumieres did, unless we give the Lumieres credit, in which case France points a Gitannes-stained finger at America for being the ones who spawned an entire generation of retina flickering, post literate global village idiots.

Hollywood stars agree that Bush's script screams for, as they often say to me, a page-one rewrite. But anti-war sentiments only run as deep as the people who feel them. This is the land where Humvees are piloted by counterfeit lefties passionately honking their horns in support of solar-powered Tomahawks.

Hollywood actors, conservative or liberal, are lucky idiots, empty vessels who bring the words of writers to life. In other words they are entitled to opinions, just not their own. And no, I'm not bitter just because I'm writing this instead of the great American fifth draft of a screenplay based on someone else's great American novel.

Yes, I'm confused. I have no idea if Bush is Franklin Roosevelt, or his overreaching cousin Theodore. Coward that I am, I always wait until the third act unfolds before saying "See? Told you so."

For or against, Hollywood supports our troops; that is until someone realizes an "embedded" journalist shooting the shooter is yet one more lucrative alternative to scripted entertainment.

Sadly, it'll get ugly before it gets pretty. I hear Saddam's body doubles are no longer SAG.

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David Feldman has authored several books including, "Everything I know I learned in Graduate School."