David Feldman Comedy

While Bush reminded soldiers what a great job they were doing, a bill providing tax breaks to the military stalled in Congress. Republicans said if soldiers feel they're paying too much in taxes they should speak to their accountants about earning a million dollars a year.

Teresa Heinz, wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, admitted to regular Botox treatments. Teresa says the Botox erases her laugh lines, but then when John describes how he's going to be President they come right back again.

Wal Mart pulled men's magazines Maxim, Stuff and FHM off their shelves. Wal Mart made the move after an assistant manager in Warren, Ohio swore he overheard the three magazines whispering something about unions.

Attorney General John Ashcroft became the most senior Bush official to visit Paris since war broke out. Ashcroft was there to attend a seminar on terrorism as well as fall under the spell of a bewitching Moulin Rouge Chanteuse who it later turns out is really a guy.

Silent film star Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle's widow, Addie McPhail, died at the age of 97 on Monday. Detectives say her bladder seems to have been punctured by a bottle of Ensure.

The Buttafuocos are getting a divorce after 26 years together. Mary Jo says although the two have gone their separate ways she'll always have a special place in her skull for Joey.

William Shatner's ex is suing for half of his prized horse semen. The sperm is used to breed the much coveted American Saddle Stallion as well as make Oscar Night guests always come back for seconds on the guacamole.

Chuck Lorre, the creator of ``Grace Under Fire'' has filed a lawsuit against production company Carsey-Warner alleging they underpaid him. Obviously he's never seen the show.

Researchers from Cambridge University are now training dogs to detect signs of prostate cancer. Either that or they've just invented the world's most painful game of fetch.

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David Feldman has really, really had it with everyone.