David Feldman Comedy

A new book reveals President Kennedy snorted coke in the 50's. It also says he was addicted to Internet granny porn and huffed paint thinner throughout the entire Cuban Missile Crisis.

And yet another book claims Kennedy had an affair with a 19-year-old White House intern. The intern says Kennedy only enjoyed receiving oral sex due to the lower back pain caused by his assassination.

President Bush officially launched his reelection campaign by filing papers with the Federal Election Commission and ordering an invasion of Syria.

Dick Cheney says he has a military doctor with him 24 hours a day. Cheney explained this clearly proves socialized medicine works when it's only for him.

Meanwhile 60 million Americans don't have health insurance according to the latest statistics. George and Dick don't even have to campaign. The people who aren't voting for them will be dead by 2004.

According to a long term, detailed study conducted by the Social Security Administration, Emily and Jacob were last year's most popular baby names. Something for all those 80-year-old widows to think about as they chow down stale dog food wondering why this month's Social Security check is late.

ABC ordered "Faith and Hope" a sitcom starring Kelly Ripa. ABC says they haven't even seen the pilot and OK'd the show based solely on all the pain it will cause Kathie Lee.

Health officials in western China shut down a crab shack after employees were caught using dirty underpants to dry dishes. Red-faced owners of the eating establishment later explained they were all out of used tampons.

The lawyer who was going to sue Oreos claiming the cookies made kids fat has dropped his suit. He will instead sue McDonald's for loss of income after biting into a Big Mac and not discovering a severed retina.

Microsoft unveiled a pay toilet
with Internet access. The device is expected to be enormously popular among those who enjoy logging in while logging out.

Pharmacological researchers said they are beginning to understand why smokers experience the sensation of time literally standing still whenever they try to kick cigarettes. Apparently nicotine withdrawal floods the brain's parietal lobe with a hormone that reminds people of Larry King interviewing Keanu Reeves.

-----------------------

David Feldman joins the San Francisco comedy community in mourning the death of our friend and mentor John Cantu. COMEDY! COMEDY! COMEDY!