David Feldman Comedy

My fellow Americans.

Today I am officially a 33rd party candidate for President of the United States.

Why do I want the fifth most powerful job in America? Well, I have owned nice homes and fancy cars. I have traveled the world in private jets, only to discover that the one thing a man can ever really own is another man.

I knew this would be a difficult decision for my children. All my children, even the white ones. So I didn't ask.

But my wife Katie Jo is all for it. Let's just say she would feel safer if secret service agents were constantly around whenever we're in the same room together and just leave it at that. I said, "Sorry."

I believe in family. I believe in staying together. Especially after seeing those precious hands, heads and legs coming out of my wife, not to mention what I witnessed during childbirth.

To help strengthen the state of marriage I will initiate a lend lease program so couples in need can borrow Katie Jo's used lingerie. Just not Katie Jo's ball gag or duct tape. Katie Jo needs those.

For children born to mixed marriages I will create a new holiday that combines the best of Christmas with the best of Hanukah. We will call it Hamas.