David Feldman Comedy

It took me three hours to make this, and now I find I'm only attracted to men. Could Bob Mackie ever dream up this? I think not.

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE JEWS...
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I wonder if she ended up calling Dr. Tums?

AND A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE CATHOLICS...
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Any relation to Martin Cheen?

This evening my wife actually said she wanted to have sex. Not with me. But hey, at least it's a start.

And I'd like to say something to the pre-op living next door to me. Barry: Cutting your penis off won't make you a woman. Because a woman would never cut her penis off. Know why? Women don't have the balls to do something like that. If you go ahead and have that operation it will just make you twice the man you already are.

R.I.P. HUNTER S. THOMPSON

One of my journalistic heroes Hunter S. Thompson shot himself in the head yesterday. You know, that's the one mind blowing experience one never comes down from. Oh well. I guess the Superman curse continues. Somebody should check on the whereabouts of Courtney Love. Just a hunch.

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There are so many charities that we must give to. But as a sentient being one must also serve as a patron of the arts. My father used to say, "Show me a wall with nothing on it, and I'll show you a firing squad that cleans up after itself."

I think of myself as a 16th century Medici and it's not only because I'm riddled with syphilis. Walking into my home is like stepping foot into the Louvre what with the stench of stale cigarettes, Chanel #5 and, of course, the counterfeit Monets.

WASHINGTON DC- OK. So for the past twenty years my heart has bled for the Vietnam Vets. I do benefits. I donate to the charities. Because I care. I'm in DC. I go to the wall. My name isn't up there. Not so much as a mention. How much does one man have to give?

OK, maybe I didn't go through Nam. But I owned stock in Pan Am. That's never coming back.

This country does nothing to honor the draft dodger. Not so much as a plaque. I have post traumatic stress syndrome. Each time I hear a gun go off I think it's a car backfiring. Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up in a cold sweat thinking I'm back in a Montreal disco snorting coke with Margaret Trudeau.

Maybe it's just a lot of "me think" but I feel slighted.

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I thought of trying Viagra, but my back doctor warned me against lifting anything more than nine pounds.

CLEVELANDSUNTIMES.COM

Charlie Bell, the chief executive of McDonald's, died last month from colon cancer. Charlie replaced his boss James Cantalupo, who died of a heart attack in April 2004.

In lieu of donations to Charlies’ favorite charity, his family is asking for flowers to cover up the stench.

Colon cancer? Heart attack? You’d think these guys paid themselves enough so they’d never have to step foot inside a McDonald’s.

Eating at McDonald’s is like going to that donkey show in Tijuana. You feel a whole lot better going in than you do coming out.

A.A.'s tough when your sponsor is Saudi Arabia...
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NEW STATE DEPARTMENT LEAK

Once again Condi Rice ignores her classified briefs.

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First ever photograph of Michael Jackson's dried DNA

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Click On Top Of Fenton's Bald Head To Witness His Practical Joke

After my show this evening I was cornered by a couple of college students who insisted that George W. Bush is the worst president America ever had. I assured them that while yes he is a disgrace, in their lifetime they will see far worse leaders. For example President Jenna Bush.
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I don't care what anyone says, this is my favorite movie of the year:

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Our book club this month recommends "I Feel Good: A Memoir Of A Life Of Soul" written by singer James Brown. 266 pages. New American Library. $24.95. It makes for a fascinating read, a great Valentine's Day gift, or something really meaningful to throw at your ex wife's face.

Mark Ebner of Sunnyvale, California asks,

"Dear Mr. Feldman. What is the secret to being a standup comic?"

David Feldman responds:

"Dear Mark. Thanks for writing and those JPEG's of your sister. She should really get some of those moles looked at. Any who. In answer to your question. The secret to being a standup comic is very simple. Write joke. Tell joke. Get Check. Go home. With waitress.

Thanks again for writing. Feel free to drop me a line any time you have some new questions or JPEG's of your sister."

Hey kids. Remember. David Feldman says: Take it from me. Don't do school and stay in drugs. Wait. Did I just say don't do school and stay in drugs? Wow. I must be getting old. What I meant to say is School's a waste of time and illicit narcotics oftentimes ease life's emotional pain.

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Dr. Leonard Queeg, my old friend from Chicago, sent this to me. I just don't think it could be real.
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