March 2005
WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER TERRY
David — Thu, 03/31/2005 - 5:19pm
SAY HELLO TO MY SISTER'S NEW BABY:
CLICK HERE TO SEE MY NEPHEW
LEN'S OUT OF HIS COMA by Tom Delay
David — Tue, 03/29/2005 - 4:21am
DR. BILL FRIST by Herman Tarnhower MD
LEN'S OUT OF HIS COMA by Tom Delay
Her Travesty Duchess of Schnauzer
David — Mon, 03/28/2005 - 5:24pm
"Camilla Parker Bowles will automatically become queen if her husband ascends to the throne whether she wants the title or not, the British government said." THE WEEK, April 1, 2005 Titles besides "Queen" currently under consideration for Camilla: Her Travesty Duchess of Schnauzer The Queen Grandmother Ambassador of Crease Her Repugnance Duchess of Dork Lady Chow Chow Her Roughness On The Eyes DJ Gnarly K 9 The Round Mound of Rebound Camilla "Lights Out" Bowles King Slut davidfeldman.org
PROTESTS IN LEBANON TURN NASTY
David — Mon, 03/28/2005 - 2:39pm
AS SHI'ITE KICKERS DEMAND ROLE IN NEW GOVERNMENT
SEVERED FINGER FOUND IN WENDY'S BOWL OF CHILI--A.P.
David — Sun, 03/27/2005 - 8:03pm
davidfeldman.org
"March 24, 2005- A woman said she bit into a partial finger served in a bowl of chili at a Wendy's, leading authorities to a fingerprint database Thursday to determine who lost the digit."
Associated Press
TIME: Last Tuesday. Three in the morning.
PLACE: Wendy's. Santa Clara, California.
MARLA, a 350 lb. nurse getting off work approaches the counter. She glares at ARTHUR, the 350 lb. night manager trying to earn enough for his final series of transgender modification procedures.
"Total Eclipse Of The Heart" is heard. ARTHUR wears blue eyeliner and stares off soulfully while sniffing a wet mop.
MARLA: I just ate a finger!
ARTHUR: Mmm-sorry hon, your order will be right up.
MARLA: Someone else's. I bit into someone else's finger.
ARTHUR: Girl, you are hungry. I'll see what's the holdup.
MARLA: In my Chili. There's a finger in my Chili.
ARTHUR: Oh, you got your order. Now what's the problem?
MARLA: What is this doing in my Chili?
HEART: Turnaround
ARTHUR: Gimme a sec. I sooo love this part.
HEART: Turnaround.
ARTHUR: Bright eyes!
HEART: TURNAROUND!
ARTHUR: BRIGHT EYES!
HEART AND ARTHUR: Every now and then I get a
little bit lonely.
JUST ARTHUR (Taking a look at the chili): Between you and me that finger's the healthiest thing in there. It so needs to be tossed.
MARLA: I want the police.
ARTHUR: Mmmmm-uh huh. Lawsuit! Hello! Maybe you put it there.
MARLA(Extending all ten fingers): Questions?
ARTHUR (Counting his): Some people are born with like eleven. I saw it on Discovery.
MARLA: Give me your phone. Please. I'm feeling sick.
ARTHUR: You're a nurse. How do I know it didn't pop out of one of your folds?
MARLA: We need to find out who this finger belongs to.
ARTHUR: You're telling me? It's soo huge. You know what they say. Large severed finger, large...Wait, are you sure that's not a toe?
MARLA: Who's back in the kitchen? I need to know if he or she is sick.
ARTHUR: I'm the only one here. You're talking to "he or she."
MARLA: This person could be carrying something.
ARTHUR: He can't be carrying much, he just lost a finger...Oh you mean like Hepatitis C.
MARLA: Or worse.
ARTHUR: There's Hepatitis D?
MARLA: We need to shut down this restaurant.
ARTHUR: When-ever. What kind of nurse are you? Because I need some stitches removed.
MARLA: The phone. Right now. Hand it to me.
ARTHUR: I'll trade you my cell for your Emory board. That cuticle in your chili is driving me nuts!
MARLAshoots Arthur her middle finger and exits.
HEART AND ARTHUR: Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark. Nothing I can say. A total eclipse of the heart.
ARTHUR stares off wistfully as a solitary tear falls on his wet mop. He sniffs the mop.
HELP SAVE TERI
David — Sat, 03/26/2005 - 3:32am
CLICK ON THE SUPREME COURT PHOTO TO SAVE TERI
davidfeldman.org
OUR MESSAGE
David — Fri, 03/25/2005 - 10:19pm
CLICK ON PICTURE FOR OUR MESSAGE OF HOPE
davidfeldman.org
LARRY HAS A KIDNEY STONE
David — Fri, 03/25/2005 - 7:44pm
BOYS AND GIRLS PLEASE CLICK ON LARRY'S FACE TO HELP HIM PASS HIS KIDNEY STONE
(By the way, this isn't toilet humor. Larry's in a Jacuzzi. It's Jacuzzi humor.)
SO SO FRIDAY
David — Fri, 03/25/2005 - 6:38am
DAVIDFELDMAN.ORG
I'm originally from New York. I didn't know until moving to Los Angeles that in the Pacific time zone instead of Easter they celebrate "West-er."
MY FLIGHT TO OAKLAND YESTERDAY
David — Thu, 03/24/2005 - 5:03pm
Wanna see my flight? Click on the picture above to cue animation
ONCE AGAIN NOT ENOUGH BOOTS--OR HEELS ON THE GROUND
David — Thu, 03/24/2005 - 1:24am
Click Rumsfeld's legs to cue his important message
AWWWWWWWWWW
David — Wed, 03/23/2005 - 7:58pm
No Mr. President. That's Kitty Kat. You want Kitty Kelley.
RIGHT WING SEXUAL DEVIANT PAT O'BRIEN OUT OF REHAB
David — Wed, 03/23/2005 - 1:27pm
I know. It's childish. I can't stop.
YOU LIKE TRICKS?
David — Tue, 03/22/2005 - 4:31am
THEN CLICK ON BARNEY THE DOG, AND HE'LL SHOW YOU A NEW TRICK!!!
AND IN THE BEGINNING...
David — Tue, 03/22/2005 - 1:48am
DAVIDFELDMAN.ORG
We're leading off with this all week. I think it's the best one. New entries down
below:
A PRIVATE PERSONAL MESSAGE TO MY WIFE
David — Mon, 03/21/2005 - 4:52am
Honey? Please click on the picture above to start the animation. OK?
AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM KARL ROVE
David — Mon, 03/21/2005 - 2:21am
Click on the picture above to start the animation
LIFE LESSONS
David — Sat, 03/19/2005 - 11:54pm
WHAT I'VE LEARNED SO FAR IN MARCH
Never hit an aging parent. Always kick.
There's no such thing as a free kitten. Unless you eat it. In which case there's such thing as free lunch.
A good cup of coffee is like oral sex. It's best when served first thing in the morning by a complete stranger.
Never tell a woman on life support the feeding tube makes her hips look fat.
Marriage before thirty is almost as good as marriage before twenty. Especially if you're in your forties.
You can't take it with you. But be on the safe side and get buried with $3,500 in Travelers Cheques.
If you ask a Turk how to remove bloodstains from jumper cables pack a lunch. Its a long story.
Making people laugh is no different from performing brain surgery. If you remember to pinch the occipital lobe.
Your congressman will never build a memorial in Washington honoring Halliburton employees who died in Iraq.
MICHAEL JACKSON FACES ACCUSER
David — Wed, 03/16/2005 - 12:41am
It's not the war, the deficit, the bankruptcy bill, the environment or the dismantling of unions. All that matter is Michael Jackson.
FAN MALE
David — Tue, 03/15/2005 - 5:04pm
I don’t know if you’re a truly brilliant comic supernova, or just another self-pitying fag. Which is it? Who are you?
Laura K.
Studio City, Ca.
P.S. Bush is a douche bag.
MARIO VASQUEZ QUITS AMERICAN IDOL
David — Mon, 03/14/2005 - 4:46am
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE
WE'RE SPONSORED BY:
PUTTING THE MO BACK IN MOTOWN
David — Fri, 03/11/2005 - 10:16pm
THE STRAIGHT HAIR. THE SUNKEN NOSE.
THE PALE SKIN. SOMETIMES JOE JACKSON
WONDERS IF MICHAEL'S REALLY HIS DAUGHTER.
ANOTHER HEART TO HEARTLESS TALK BETWEEN MICHAEL AND JOE
David — Tue, 03/08/2005 - 9:23pm
ANOTHER HEART TO HEARTLESS
TALK BETWEEN MICHAEL AND JOE:
"Son, somehow I feel this might have been my fault."
"You mean like the strap?"
"That strap was lambskin. Don't you know anything
Cracker? Pure naked leather. Most expensive out there. No sealants to mask any
imperfections. Only the best for my family. Give me a hundred dollars. "
"Here. I guess I need to practice more gratitude."
"Let it go. We're all human. Or in your case close. Give me another twenty."
"Here. You did say I had fat nostrils?"
"Well, that's true. You did. I like you without a nose."
"Thanks. I only have a C note."
"Good enough. Now buy me a suit."
"OK."
"Son, I know I've never told you before. So, I'm going to say it. This is
tough, but here goes: One day, in the not too distant future, I will be able
to envision a day when I might love you. Now here's my cable bill. Pay it."
"And what about the grandkids. Will you meet them?"
"Sure, but let's hold off until it's a deathbed thing. That way I won't mind
leaving the material world so much...Buy me another house."
"You got it. I might be the King of Pop, but you're the King of Pops, Pop."
"Buy me a boat. And what's say I kick you in the adam's apple for old time's sake?"
MARCH INTO IRAN MADNESS
David — Tue, 03/08/2005 - 1:47am
OBVIOUSLY GEORGE DODGED THE NBA DRAFT AS WELL.
JACKSON TRIAL BREAKS FOR THE WEEKEND
David — Sat, 03/05/2005 - 4:40pm
Congratulations Michael! You finally look exactly like Diana Ross!!!
TOPPED WITH EGGS? WHY NOT CALL IT THE COFFIN BURGER?
David — Sat, 03/05/2005 - 3:09am
JUST BECAUSE SHE'S PICKED UP BAD HABITS, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO PICK UP BAD GERMS
David — Fri, 03/04/2005 - 2:00pm
THE SURVEY SAYS!!!
David — Thu, 03/03/2005 - 10:19pm
Dear Alan,
Enclosed please find my answers to your survey.
1. Name as it appears on birth certificate? David Greenberg. (I eventually changed it for show business)
2. Nicknames? Jew, Jew Boy, and Juden.
3. Piercing? One, on my right labia.
4. Eye color? Left one bloodshot red, right one glass, middle one blue.
5. Place of birth? My Mother's placenta. Actually My Mother's placenta "adjacent."
6. Favorite food? Baby food. Not like Gerber's. I mean ground baby with carrots and cream sauce.
7. Ever been to Africa? No, but I once saw Justin Timberlake live.
SANTA BARBARA COURTROOM SHOCKER!!!
David — Wed, 03/02/2005 - 5:14pm
RUNNING "A LITTLE BEHIND" MICHAEL JACKSON FORGETS HIS FACE.
WEST VIRGINIA TEACHER ADMITS TO SEX WITH FIVE STUDENTS
David — Wed, 03/02/2005 - 3:21pm
WHERE WERE THESE TEACHERS WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL? THAT STEAK HAS SIZZLE!
THIS JUST CAN'T BE REAL!
David — Wed, 03/02/2005 - 3:37am
Nelson Higgins of Braintree, Mass. just sent this to me. I think it's a fake:
View image
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF JASON ALEXANDER: A.K.A. "NOTORIOUS B.T.K."
David — Tue, 03/01/2005 - 2:51am
Photo Courtesy of "Seinfeld"
