David Feldman Comedy

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FROM DEEP WITHIN SAUDI ARABIA'S
BOWELS DIRECTLY INTO YOURS...

(a.p. via yahoo)
TIME: Late last night.
PLACE: My home after the Seder.

MY WIFE: Can I give you a care package to take home?
MY MOTHER: I don't think so.
MY WIFE: Anything?
MY MOTHER: I...don't think so.
MY WIFE: But you hardly ate.
MY MOTHER: The important thing is you tried darling. Maybe next year you'll get it right.
DAVID: Ma, I'll walk you to the car.
MY MOTHER: Oh, is that David? I didn't see you all night, I didn't know you were here.
DAVID: We had guests. I was entertaining.
MY MOTHER: I'm not a guest?
DAVID: You're family.
MY MOTHER: Next time treat me like a guest.
MY WIFE: Nice seeing you again, Ma.
MY MOTHER: Uh....huh.

And no Feldman Seder is ever complete without the male relative who married out of the religion but still insists on bringing his wife and kids anyway:

FOUND AN EYE IN HER SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS

My Uncle Gary and Aunt Barbara are Orthodox:

I'm getting a subscription just so I can cancel it. I Guess I Should Have Seen This Week's Cover Coming Late Last Year:

BIT OF A SPEAR TIRE Featuring Britney's new hit single: "Baby One More Thai Noodle Salad."

"BERLIN (Reuters) - Harald Juhnke, the actor and entertainer hailed by many as the German Frank Sinatra, died after a long battle with dementia and alcoholism."

Nicknamed the Chancellor of The Board Juhnke got his big break on
"The Field Marshall Bowes' Amateur Hour" singing "Crystal In The Nacht." Juhnke won 30,000 Deutschmarks (five cents) and a chance to pick which one of his sisters wouldn't be shot for having winked at a Gypsy.

Juhnke went on to star in such films as "Pal Jewey" and "The Man With The Golden Raised Stiff Arm."

Known for projecting a style of smooth sophistication and sartorial panache, Juhnke set Germany's fashion world ablaze by once walking around Berlin in shoes during the Battle of Stalingrad.

His Ratskeller Pack included Leni Riefenstahl, Joseph Goebbels, and Joey Bishop.

On the popularity of the Ratskeller Pack Juhnke observed, "We represented a time when a man didn't worry about cracking wise to a Fraulein, or a Fagala or making an off color ethnic joke. Back then the Clydes and the Squares took it in the spirit it was intended. Which was to hurt and frighten the non-Aryan."

He was best known for his two hits "That's Why The Jew Is A Tramp" and "Mein Way."

Counted out later in life he made a dazzling comeback with "Deutschland Deutschland" originally recorded by Liza Minnelli.

He is survived by his daughter Nancy who went on to have her own hit with, "These Boots Were Made For Walking Over France."

NAME: Hugh Hefner

PROSTATE: 36 inches.

EAR HAIR: 23 inches.

NOSE HAIR: 14 inches,

CALCIFIED DEPOSITS LINING HEART: Three millimeters

AMBITION: To one day only get up six times in the middle of the night to urinate.

TURN ONS: Defibrillators, and masturbating to late 19th century daguerreotypes of Sarah Bernhardt

TURN OFFS: Seeing my limp shriveled manhood in the mirror above my waterbed.

FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS: "What?" "Speak up." And "Clean Underwear."

FAVORITE MEN'S MAGAZINE: "Shaved Corpse."

IN A PREVIOUS LIFE I WAS: Alive.

HOBBIES: Standing at the urinal waiting and waiting and waiting. Trying to remember where I put my pipe. Low grade urinary tract infections. Praying for a boner pill that works. Praying for a boner. Paying for a boner. Praying for the boner I'm paying for. Suing Pfizer.

FOR RELAXATION: Airbrushing a boner on to nude pictures of myself.

I'D LIKE TO BE REINCARNATED AS A: Boner.

FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM A TV SHOW: Bones.

FAVORITE COLLEGE FRATERNITY: Skull and Bones.

FAVORITE COMEDIAN: Oliver Hardy.

"He says, 'This is Rice.' I like Rice. So I eat Rice. Why's he so upset?"

EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS FROM ELIZABETH'S PRIVATE RECEPTION:

Later that night Charles made love to Camilla through the hole in a white sheet. He's not Orthodox. He just needs all the help he can get.

Immediately right after the service Charles and his father notice the rabbi seemed way too happy and now they worry they paid him too much.

Saturday's wedding was far different from his last. This time, Charles was the one throwing up.

It was a touching ceremony. What I found most moving was when right before slipping the ring on her finger, Charles whispered, "Camilla, please give me your paw."

CHARLES SAVES THE DAY BY COMBING HIS SKIN OVER

QUEEN VICTORIA'S SECRET #3:

Birds of a feather flock together even though they're married to someone else.

Then Charles and Camilla disappeared to consummate the marriage. It was the first time Charles had ever ridden Camilla without holding a polo mallet.

Word is Camilla felt awkward having sex with Prince Charles. Normally she's the one getting busy all night burying a bone.

Right now the honeymoon is on. So Prince Charles can't decide if he should attend the funeral next week in Monaco. Camilla doesn't want him to go. She gets jealous whenever he looks at other corpses.

EXCLUSIVE: CAMILLA'S LAST NIGHT OF FREEDOM

"Camilla Parker Bowles will automatically become queen if her husband ascends to the throne whether she wants the title or not, the British government said."

THE WEEK, April 1, 2005

Titles besides "Queen" currently under consideration for Camilla:

Her Travesty
Duchess of Schnauzer
The Queen Grandmother
Ambassador of Crease
Her Repugnance
Duchess of Dork
Lady Chow Chow
Her Roughness On The Eyes
DJ Gnarly
K 9
The Round Mound of Rebound
Camilla "Lights Out" Bowles
King Slut

davidfeldman.org

SOURCE: Feminists For War

IF THE PANTS DON'T FIT YOU MUST NOT SIT MORE LIKE O.BEESE SOMEONE HASN'T BEEN ATTENDING HIS WEIGHT STALKER MEETINGS MOURNERS AT THE COCHRAN FUNERAL GET OUT OF THE WAY AS FAT O.J.

OR DID KIRSTIE ALLEY LOOK PATHETIC LAST NIGHT ON "FAT ACTRESS?"

INT. DAVID'S KITCHEN (MORNING)

DAVID is downing his juice and rushing off to work as LINDA enters. LINDA has been the cleaning lady since his kids were babies. LINDA might as well be family since she pretty much ignores DAVID too.

LINDA: Oh, Mr. David. Muy triste hoy.
DAVID: Triste. You're sad?
LINDA: Si. So sad.
DAVID: Oh! The Pope. Of Course. Sad.
LINDA: Triste.
DAVID: Yes. Triste. Me too.
LINDA: No happy today.
DAVID: Me no happy today too... Me happy once. August 12th 1984. I think it was a Tuesday.
LINDA: Que?
DAVID: Nada. The man was a doll. Great man. Brave and kind.
LINDA: Si. Mi papa.
DAVID: He was your father???
LINDA: Mi papa.
DAVID: Oh, si. Yes, of course. Su papa. Mi papa tambien.
LINDA: Nuestro papa.
DAVID: Listen you missed underneath the couch on Friday.
LINDA: Que?
DAVID (Thinking to himself): You understood me. (To LINDA) OK, rough week. Do what you can. By!
LINDA: By Mr. David. (To herself) Drai mir nit kain kop!

"OK, there's the admitting nurse. The attending nurse. Oh yeah that chick who agreed to be Denise's Lamaze partner, she's hot."

Before any big performance, there's only one man I trust to cut my hairplugs. Lonny Sussman of
Beverly Hills.

click these words

...and for the town me mum was from, click these words

(Photo untouched, no matter how touching it seems)

Actually it's French dressing. Looks like someone needs his salad tossed.

Alan C. from U.S.C. writes:
Dear David: By the way, did you know that John Philip Sousa
was kept alive by a feeding tuba?

Dear Alan,
I didn't know that. But I once met a moth being kept alive by a pair of feeding tube socks.