David Feldman Comedy

Rumsfeld dismisses Iraq's 'dead-enders'

Associated Press
6/19/2003

WASHINGTON - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on Wednesday played down recent deadly attacks on Americans in Iraq, equating those losses with everyday violence in large U.S. cities.

This explains why nobody in the Bush White House could find any WMD's in Iraq.
I guess this means eventually I'll be able to remove the bag over my wife's head.
Hell, if I'm blind, I might as well do my seeing eye dog.
But the best part in all this? All those sex offenders getting free Viagra from Medicaid and Medicare can now sue the federal government.

photo via CBS

via bill robinson

"Aaron Carter. Aaron Carter. C'mon you stupid brain. Aaron Carter. Aaron Carter..."

Michael Isikoff, who wrote the piece, also broke the Monica Lewinsky story in 1998

Like this would ever happen:

Sure they're burning our flag, but not as though they're doing anything disrespectful like flushing it down the toilet.

\
"Doris Day...Let's see, Doris Day. She was never one of my patients, so I'd say yes. She's still alive."

President Bush greets award recipients of the 2005 MATHCOUNTS National Competition as Vice President Dick Cheney oozes life.

ACTOR RON SILVER IN HOLLYWOOD PURGATORY

Ron Silver, pictured here, begins to pay heavy price for abandoning his once impeccable liberal bona fides.

Mr. Taters of
Sydney, Australia

Jo Lapidge of Sydney Australia, a mother fed up with cleaning up after her cat has taken matters into her own hands with a device that teaches felines to use the toilet.

Guardian & Mail, May 2, 2005

Mrs. Lapidge says her technique utilizes positive reinforcement, patience and glue.

"It's great," she says. "Teaching my husband took ten times as long, and he still can't hit the target like Mr. Taters does."

Mr. Taters, her fifteen-year-old Burmese purrs, "I never liked the outside, especially on cold mornings, and the box? Well, I'm fifteen. Let's just say privacy is appreciated."

Mrs. Lapidge complains that Mr. Taters spends all his free time hogging the bathroom trying to bury the toilet.

"I don't understand why," she says.

"Either do I," says Mr. Taters. "I can't stop myself."

Mr. Tater admits to being a compulsive paw washer but says trying to bury the toilet is unrelated to his O.C.D..

"It might have something to do with my being a cat...I think." He says.

Mrs. Lapidge says the other drawback is nine times a day her husband walks in and screams, "What lost its life in here?"

Mr. Taters says he dislikes the tension between him and Mr. Lapidge.
"The Mr. still resents the fact that I'm allowed to go standing up, while he no longer is."

Picked up in Beverly Hills Small Claims
Court While Suing His Botox Shooter

Michael Jackson sees face and says, "Hey. He has what I used to have. A beard. How is Lisa Marie?"