David Feldman Comedy

Republicans should love Sonia Sotomayor. She kicked open doors, broke down barriers and shattered glass ceilings. All without a warrant...
The unemployment rate is at double digits. But don’t worry. Sarah Palin’s already creating jobs. Like governor of Alaska. More good news for us because Palin says once she’s elected president everyone who loses their job gets a million dollar book deal. By the way, I just got a tweet from Sarah via Quitter. Sarah tweets anger. She spent the entire day on the phone with her HMO threatening to sue that witch doctor of hers for malpractice.

So have you been watching the hearings? I like Sotomayor. But come on, she’s no Harriet Miers. Newt Gingrich is trying to undermine Sonia’s presumed base by twittering in Spanish. So Sonia’s undermining Newt’s base by twittering in drool. I don’t think Lindsey Graham has been around too many wise Latina women. In his opening statement he told her to “make sure and clean under the fridge.” But Lindsey’s worried that being a woman and a Latina Sonia won’t “apply the law objectively.” You know like Alberto Gonzales’ justice department was so famous for. Then Graham implied Sonia is an “intellectual bully.” Which also happens to be the same exact thing he said of Teri Schiavo . Graham says he wouldn’t want to appear before a judge who was a bully, like when he’s asking that judge to sign off on torturing prisoners of war.

Rush Limbaugh calls her a racist. Rush outing a racist is like me outing a Jew. Or Ann Coulter outing a she/he. Jeff Sessions, the ranking Republican from Alabama is really frustrated by the hearings. He felt it would be more appropriate to hold them at The Montgomery County Swim Club in Philadelphia.

Goldman Sachs says it earned record money last quarter. Wow. In three short months they’ve gone from toxic debt to toxic profits. It’s like Adam Smith always said, “Capitalism thrives when the market gets out of the way and lets Washington’s invisible hand work its magic.” By the way, Washington’s hand must be invisible because ever since Bush took office that hand’s been in my wallet and nobody ever said “Boo.” And even though their executives dumped $700 million of their Goldman Sachs stock at the very same time they were lobbying congress for a handout they announced yesterday that they would be paying themselves $12 billion in bonuses. Next time instead of giving these guys a bailout I say we invest in a really sharp guillotine.

Republican Sen. John Ensign's mistress charged $96 grand to keep quiet. Anybody know the going rate these days to get a wife to shut up? Ensign’s really a veterinarian. But the only hound this guy should be neutering is himself. Yeah, he’s real veterinarian. Which explains why it’s $96 grand. Once the bill starts approaching a hundred grand he recommends putting the mistress to sleep. I swear this is true: Before becoming a senator Ensign spent most of his time and energy at a 24-hour clinic for sick animals in Las Vegas. I believe it was called the Crazy Horse. But he quit to go to Washington. Dr. Doolittle becomes Dr. Do Nothing. I hear in the sack they just call him “Dr. Little.” If you’re still reading please subscribe to my podcasts on I-Tunes. Thanks.

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